


Going Home

by SerStolas



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Background Character Death, M/M, Reunions, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 18:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11561103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerStolas/pseuds/SerStolas
Summary: After the events in the Fade in Dragon Age Inquisition where Loghain sacrificed himself, Hawke deals with the guilt of surviving, and the feeling that he has once again failed someone.





	Going Home

**Author's Note:**

> Dragon Age belongs to Bioware

Hawke would never be comfortable with Weisshaupt. Something about the very heart of Grey Warden territory made his skin crawl, a niggling sensation he could never quite get rid of. He felt a duty, though, to report the events of Adamant Fortress, after surviving the Fade through the willing sacrifice of one Loghain Mac Tir. Iskander Hawke would always recall the look on Loghain's face when the Inquisitor made her decision. Loghain had gazed at Hawke and the Inquisitor with a steady resolve before turning and charging head long into the nightmare demon. 

His parting words had been simple, and had surprised Hawke. "Tell Audra she was right."

Those words rattled around in Hawke's skull as he made the long journey to Weisshaupt. He knew of Audra Aeducan and the odd friendship the dwarf had shared with Loghain. She'd been the one to recruit him, even after his actions at the battle of Ostagar.

Hawke's own friendship with Loghain had been complicated. Because of Loghain's decision to abandon King Cailan on the field, thousands had died in that battle, many of those men and women that Hawke had fought side by side with. He and Carver had barely escaped with their lives.

But when Hawke had first met Loghain, years after the 5th Blight, he realized the man's association with the Hero of Fereldan and his time as a Warden had changed him. They'd been at odds first, working together in those years after Kirkwall only because they had to, but eventually an odd friendship had formed between the two. And now, Loghain, a man Hawke now respected and cared for as a friend, was dead, willingly, to save them all in the Fade.

It was another death Hawke could add to his toll. Carver, Mother, countless people in Kirkwall, death seemed to follow Hawke wherever he went. His steps to Weishaupt were heavy and he sunk further into guilt with each passing day.

He felt numb by the time he reached the headquarters of the Gray Wardens and made his report. He'd been met with impassive expressions by men and women who were long used to controlling the reactions they showed others. They'd thanked him for his report and his honoring of Warden Mac Tir, and been invited to stay a few days to rest.

The Gray Wardens knew very well who he was, and knew very well his sister Bethany was a Warden. Some might blame him for the Mage/Templar conflict, but others knew that the striking point had been a former Warden, Anders. The Gray Wardens relationship with the outside world had always been a strange thing.

Two days after Hawke arrived, his sister appeared. Bethany found him standing on the battlements in the cold rain, common weather here. She'd taken a look at her sodden brother and dragged him inside with a strength one did not expect from the small mage. 

As they sat in a corner of the mess, Hawke cradling a mug of tea in his hands as Bethany occasionally forced another bite of soup on him, she spoke in a voice far harsher than Hawke remembered. Bethany had always been the quietest and most seemingly accepting of her situation of the Hawke siblings, but there was a fire that burned in her core, one Hawke hadn't really noticed until it seemed too late, after his sister had joined the Wardens.

"Iskan Hawke, getting a cold or dying of illness will not bring anyone back," Bethany told him in clipped tones. 

Hawke merely looked at her with dull blue eyes. She sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"Iskan, when was the last time anyone called you something other than just 'Hawke'?"

The question surprised him.

"Other than you? Fenris, before I left for Skyhold. Even then he usually calls me Hawke," he admitted. "Varric always called me Hawke...it feels like more my name than Iskander sometimes."

Bethany sighed and reached out, putting a hand on her brother's shoulder. "Brother, you cannot save everyone...and it isn't your duty to either." She glanced out towards the room. "There was a time I blamed you for putting me here, for making a choice that lead me to becoming a Warden, but then I realized something. I'd have been angry if you'd left me behind, all those years ago, when you went into the Deep Roads. I made the decision to go with you, I could have bowed out."

"I still feel bad about that," Hawke admitted, meeting her brown gaze. "I probably always will."

"It's still important to know, it wasn't your fault. Mother's death wasn't your fault, Carver's death wasn't your fault! And Loghain's death certainly wasn't. All of them made choices, Iskan, choices that sadly lead to their deaths. But you can't blame yourself for everything. I-" She paused and sighed again. "I know how much Mother blamed you for things. I loved her, very much, she was our mother, but she was wrong, Iskan. You were only a few years older than Carver and I, and yet she forced you into the role of head of the house. You were still a kid too and she should have done it herself. But Mother was always used to relying on other people to take care of things for her...to take care of her. Her family, then Father." Bethany laughed without humor. "Sometimes I wonder if we are more like Gamlen than her...he did a horrible job of it, but he took care of himself, mostly."

"How many more people's lives will I touch, though, Bethany, that will be ruined?" Iskan asked in a low tone. "Kirkwall..Maker, if only I knew what Anders had been planning."

"Anders," Bethany gave a snort that Hawke wouldn't have expected out of her years ago. "Anders made his bed, Iskan. He didn't tell you because he knew you would have tried to stop him. He brought the void down on your head and he lied to you." She shook her head. "I pity him, and yet some part of me hates him, Hawke...he believed in what he was doing, but the damage wrought? Was it worth it?" She shrugged. "I can't say."

"And now we have this shit," Iskan said, thinking of the Inquisitor.

"Maybe it's time that you let other people deal with the consequences of their actions, Brother," Bethany told him gently. "You are always trying to protect people. Maybe it is time you start protecting yourself." She tilted her head. "Have you written to Fenris yet? He is probably worried sick."

Hawke flinched at mention of his husband. "No," he admitted. "Varric said he would." He and Fenris had fought, the night before he left Skyhold, about the very thing Bethany spoke of now. But Fenris had still seen him off the next morning, and told him to come home alive.

"Maybe it's time you do that, too," Bethany suggested. "Write your husband, Brother. Find him, and take some time with him for just the two of you. The world can survive without your help for a little while. It's the Inquisitor's turn to save things now."

That conversation rolled through Hawke's head many times over the next few days. Beth was right, he knew. He started packing his few belongings and planning his trip home.

A day before he was scheduled to leave (after yet another conversation with a Gray Warden trying to convince him to undergo the Joining), his husband surprised him instead.

He'd just finished sparing with a knife master among the Wardens when he felt someone watching them. Turning his head, he found a pair of deep green eyes fixed on him under a shock of white hair, watching him with an expression he couldn't read.

Iskan excused himself and walked the distance between them, some part of him trembling, wondering how Fenris would react. It hit him even more then that had he stayed in the Fade, he never would have seen Fenris again. He paused two steps from his husband, staring down into those green eyes, his arms hanging at his sides, unsure of how Fenris felt right now. 

Then Fenris was in his arms, kissing him fiercely, and the ice between them melted away. Iskan caught Fenris up in his arms and held him tightly, hearing the beat of the elf's heart, and reminding him why he was so very glad to be alive.

"Don't ever do this to me again, Iskander," Fenris told him fiercely. "Next time you go and save the world, I am coming with you."

Iskan felt relief swim through him as he held Fenris close. "Beth told me that maybe its time I let someone else save the world," he said. "I think she might have been right."

Fenris regarded him quietly for several moments, then a smile flickered over the elf's lips. "Then tomorrow, Iskan," Fenris told him. "Let's go home.

"I already am home," Iskan told him. "With you."


End file.
